Pro-Ana
Dear Apple,
Please remove your head from your ass. Your new MacBook Air is a joke. Air? Are you fucking kid of me? More like decomposing kidney beans and corned beef and cabbage gas. WTF?
Before we get to the heart of the matter, wtf is your ad campaign? Thinovation? Sounds like Thinspiration to me. And honey, that shit is old and tired like Mary Kate and Nicole. Did you think before you chose a slogan that closely resembling one of the LJ community waifs’ key tenets? No, probably not. But, does your ad department ever think? Windows-Chump is still way more endearing than Apple-IndieBoy (I bet he doesn’t even listen to Yo La Tengo, shit. Probably up on some Bright Eyes reject shit). Who are you using? The Martin Agency? Secondly, big is beautiful. I don’t give a shit if this is a laptop. You know who wants skinny little laptops that have bullshit hardware? The Martin Agency asshole. You know how he spends his time? Writing on white boards. He don’t need a goddamn laptop. He got a white board! If he want to show people the shit on his whiteboard, he just take a photo of the damn thing and email it with his goddamn phone that weighs 2 oz! Your laptop don’t weigh 2oz! And besides, didn’t anyone tell you, Mix-a-lot in trouble! Beggin’ for a piece of that bubble! Fuck your pro-ana, Suicide Girl lookin bitch with across the street not down the road superficial scars. Give me some thick anal mexican action! I want shit that do the damn thing, not look at me funny for coming in its mouth and wants to screw to Interpol and cut our wrists together.
Look, I know you love charging an arm and a leg for things. And I know you love making brittle little things. But really, when you charge $3,000 for a 3/4″ laptop, with a 64mb Drive (I don’t give a shit if it’s made from Jesus’s nose hairs and John Dee’s rib bones) you’ve lost your damn mind. Not to mention your warranty doesn’t amount to jack shit.
But really now, 1 goddamned USB 2.0 port? Is that shit even High Speed? I bet it’s that bullshit fullspeed junk. What am I supposed to do with this laptop? Will it suck my dick? Or do I have to keep on suckin yours? Because 3 grand can buy me a lot of cheap hookers which I can assure you will do a lot better, and last longer, than your weak ass skinny laptop. 13″ at 1200×800? What am I supposed to do with that? Watch some 240×180 Indeo 4.0 Codec porn? I can buy a $200 phone that will surf the internet and let me do powerpoints. Shit, I know people that can do powerpoints on their phones.
I used to give a damn about your company. I believed in the product. But Stevie, you’ve changed.
Steve, you got a lot of street cred back when you brought this world into the iPod era. And then Mac OS X was pretty hot (until .5). But you’ve lost it. You’ve attempted the Neti Pot and failed.
I hereby challenge you to a street fight. The winner will become/remain head of Apple. So bring it, Stevie. I’ve got a foot for that ass. Or are you too much of a bitch to dirty up that black turtleneck?
OH, and PS.
Fuck you for hatin’ on my baby girl Violet Blue. Wtf, suckah! Don’t you know the hell she can bring? She’s the lawgiver! She’s in deep with Col. Angus, muthafucka!!! I hope she don’t fuck you up too bad before I get to you. Cuz Imma bring the HADOKEN!
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